Here's Why That Relationship Isn't Working
Puzzled why a relationship is struggling? It may be because the other party fails to get it, want it or have the capacity for it. Here's how to diagnose the issue.
I wrote about the GWC (Gets it, Wants it, Has the Capacity) a few months back.
That post was about how the GWC comes into play with your work team.
But it occurred to me of late: the GWC also impacts our relationships, personal and otherwise.
If you’re a party to a struggling relationship, the other party (or you, or both!) likely has an issue with the G, the W, or the C.
Let’s dive in:
Gets It (The “G” in GWC)
“Getting it” is a matter of understanding, perception, and the biases and constructs we bring into a relationship.
Does the other party understand why this relationship is meaningful?
Does the other party understand healthy relationships in general? (Hint: Look at their other relationships. Any healthy ones?)
Is the other party even aware that you want to be in a relationship? Or are you assuming they know?
First, filter your struggling relationship through these questions to see if “gets it” is the issue.
Wants It (The “W” in GWC)
Sometimes, a relationship fails because one or both parties don’t genuinely want to have a relationship.
And I’m not talking about the “cognitive want.” (Wanting it in your head.)
I’m talking about the kind of want that leads to action.
Do their words, body language, and actions reflect their desire for a relationship?
It’s hurtful when someone we want to be in a relationship with does not want one in return. It’s easy, therefore, to dismiss this question. (The answer kind of scares us…)
Conversely, it’s nearly impossible to tell someone outright and to their face that you don’t desire a relationship. Doing so will likely cause hurt, and we’re conditioned from a young age not to hurt others, thankfully.
So it’s likely a person who does not want a relationship with us won’t tell us directly. We have to figure it out ourselves!
Has the Capacity (The “C” in the GWC)
“Capacity” asks if the person has the mental, emotional, and physical capacity to be in a healthy relationship.
We can understand a relationship (get it) and desire a relationship (want it). Still, if either party cannot have the relationship because of a “capacity” issue, it simply will not work.
And capacity issues come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Some examples, among thousands:
Mental illness
Substance abuse
Unresolved anger or resentment
Untreated trauma or abuse
Lack of proximity for the level of relationship we desire
Does this mean we turn and walk away from every person with a capacity issue?
It depends on if their capacity issue causes harm.
If so, yes, walking away is likely the answer.
Otherwise, we can stick around, orbiting their world, but realize a healthy relationship is highly unlikely.
Conclusion
Use this construct to think through any relationship you have that’s struggling.
You may have an ah-ha moment that allows you to chart a path forward.
I’d love it if a few more folks read this newsletter. Might you consider forwarding it to someone you think might benefit from it?
Books of Note: For many, the fall and winter are an excellent match for mysteries and thrillers. I’m not a big thriller fan, but I enjoy sprinkling in a few mysteries. To that end, Anthony Horowitz is a fantastic modern-day mystery writer. Might I suggest his Hawthorne and Horowitz Mysteries series? Or his authorized Sherlock Holmes sequels? Can’t go wrong with either. Enjoy next to a fire when uninviting weather keeps you inside…
I’d love a follow over on X (Twitter) and Linkedin, as I post things there that are either too brief for the newsletter or are just entertaining things I come up with over a responsibly-sized serving of Blanton’s.