Observations on Raising Great Adults

A flurry of recent weddings has me thinking: these people raised great kids. But how?

There are life stages, are there not?

Times in life when you and your peers are going through the same phases.

The "Dating Phase.” The "Getting Married Phase.” The "Raising Young Kids and Never Having a Moment to Yourself Phase.” And many more.

Well, my wife and I are squarely in a phase. No, not "Mid-life Pickleball Adoption Phase.” (Well, yes, but that's not what I'm talking about today.)

What I'm talking about today is related to the "Attending Weddings Phase.”

You see, the kids of our friends, colleagues, and acquaintances are all starting to get hitched. Which has me sitting in a lot of weddings and talking to a lot of 20-somethings at receptions.

And you know what I've noticed?

These people have raised some amazing kids! And not just the ones getting married, but their wedding parties, college friends, and so on. I mean, some really phenomenal people.

Which got me wondering: why is this the case? What is it about these kids, their parents, and their families that's producing results like this?

So, I started thinking about this during weddings last year. And now it dominates my thoughts at these events. (Yes, I'm obsessive.)

And before we dive in, you may be wondering why a guy who writes about business, loves business, spends a ton of time each week operating businesses, etc., is writing about parenting?

If you haven't noticed, family health is one of, if not the, major factor in your performance at work. If things at home are dicey, I assure you your work is suffering. And if one of those things is a "lost" child? Oh. My. Goodness. It's rough. So this stuff is essential to life, yes, but also to your business and the work your team is doing.

Don't dismiss this.

So here we go, the four common traits that appear to produce great adults:

1. A Strong Moral Compass

It's clear, via observation and conversation, that these families are raising kids with a moral compass.

And not some Oprah-like, impossible-to-discern, back-of-a-self-help-book morality. No, this is a morality grounded in a faith or worldview perspective with a strong emphasis on serving others.

These kids have a strong sense of right and wrong.

How did they learn this?

Likely by seeing a good example in their parents. Yes, shocking, right? Parents who are good, honest, and moral examples raise kids who are good, honest, and moral. It's that simple.

Takeaway for me as a parent? Be hypersensitive to what I do, what I say, and who I associate with. Kids can smell hypocrisy from a mile away.

Parenthetical corollary: Some kids turn out to have a strong moral compass, ironically, because of how terrible their parents were. They decided this was the opposite of what they wanted to be. I know a guy who can speak volumes about this...

2. Intentional in Teaching Personal Responsibility

These parents also appear to have instilled a strong sense of personal responsibility.

The kids, now adults, took on responsibility from a young age. Chores. Caring for their younger siblings. Volunteerism.

In essence, these parents put their kids in controlled, difficult situations and let them figure it out.

And when they fell short, the parents gently, kindly, and firmly helped them course correct. (Didn't do the course correction for them...)

What does this do? Well, apparently it produces adults, not simply immature kids who are of adult age.

Takeaway for me as a parent? Am I letting my kids struggle enough? Am I hovering over them like a drone (video camera and all), planning their every move? Answering every question an adult asks them?

3. The Parents Love Each Other

It appears most, if not all, of these impressive young adults have parents who love each other.

I had a mentor, who has since passed away, who told my wife and me when we were 23 and newly married: "The best thing you can do for your kids is love each other, and make sure they know you love each other."

Why is this?

It does two things.

First, it provides household stability. Kids, especially in their formative years, need a safe, peaceful home that allows them to "escape" from this brutal world. Parents who disdain each other can't create such an environment.

Second, it helps take focus off the kids, in a good way. Kids should not be the center of one's universe. Nor the center of a family. We've all seen parents who act like they're carrying royalty around wherever they're going, their entire day, their entire vacation, their entire holiday revolving around this little human who can't even form complete sentences yet.

That's weird and unhelpful. It leads to kids who think (gasp!) that the world revolves around them. There's a name for this: entitlement.

Takeaway for me as a parent? Make damn sure I am loving my wife and putting her first.

4. The Families Build Each Other Up

Lastly, and this is especially evident during the reception toasts from the bridal party (often siblings), these young adults have parents and siblings who are their biggest fans.

It's quite heart-warming, to be honest, to hear a brother or sister speak highly of their sibling.

I feel like, especially when I was growing up, sibling feuds were dismissed with a chuckle and a wink. And, yes, siblings often experience tension in their relationships as they grow up. This is an age-old condition.

However, I think some people dismiss this issue as "kids being kids" instead of addressing it through effective parenting. Is it okay for one sibling to verbally abuse the other? Is that just a funny little situation that should be laughed off?

No.

And let's be honest: the way we allow our kids to treat their siblings is the way they, as adults, will likely treat their friends, coworkers, and even spouses. There's a lot at stake here, and to shrug it off would be negligent.

Takeaway for me as a parent? What am I allowing between my kids that I should instead be coaching them through?

So there you have it: four themes I've observed during the last few wedding seasons.

I'll end with this: Parenting is hard. We all screw up. And despite our best efforts, some of our kids will turn out far different from what we had hoped for. They are individuals with free will, after all.

But in the end, it's our duty as parents to do our best. And the four items above certainly seem to be among the top "best practices." I hope you find them helpful.

Thanks for reading this post. I appreciate you. In return, please share this with those you know who may be interested.

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Things I’ve Enjoyed Lately: It's hard to put into words Mike Birbiglia's comedy specials. Sure, they're funny. Sometimes, they're hilarious. But almost as often, they make you think. And they frequently trigger a thought about my own life that gives me pause, in a good way. His most recent Netflix special, The Good Life, was fantastic. I'd give it a watch.